The great scrollback of Alexandria %>

(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.

I will fuck chewbacca and I will die that way

Seeing Zooey Deschanel without bangs or glasses made me accept that maybe people couldn't figure out that Clark Kent was Superman.

Archaeologists working at the ancient Roman city of Pompeii, Italy, uncovered the remains of a 30-year-old man who appears to have survived the initial eruption of Vesuvius in 79 A.D., only to be killed when he was struck by a large slab of stone cnn.it/2GZKWvX

People of all races, religions and nationalities work at Sanofi every day to improve the lives of people around the world. While all pharmaceutical treatments have side effects, racism is not a known side effect of any Sanofi medication.

when ur boss makes a normie joke but u want that promotion

Aged like fine wine

you, foolish: I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful for the future
me, wise:

A horse named "Bofa Deez Nuts" wins at Oklahoma City Race Park, impossibly professional announcer is NOT fazed and executes it completely deadpan.

Cause i be watching ASMR and porn all day ‍♀️

Airports are cool bc you can have like a mental breakdown while drinking a Bloody Mary at 7am then go sleep on the floor like a hobo and no one says anything

mr. gorbachev, tear up this ass

GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

For everyone that sends me this photo 300 times a day ... I SEENT IT!!! I SEENT IT! I SEENT IT!

Paragraph 1: ok
Paragraph 2: ok
Paragraph 3: wait
Paragraph 4: OH
Paragraph 5: *airplane flies overhead with a banner reading WELCOME TO HELL MOM*

chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool
i was shooting some b-ball outside of the school
when a couple of roads that were up to no good
started to diverge in a yellow wood

if ur friend falls asleep a fun prank is to put his hand in a bucket of warm monster energy so he has dreams about riding dirtbikes and fighting his stepdad

the arcade fire show is packed

So grandad was at a sportsman’s dinner and bought a 10ft X 4ft picture of the forth rail bridge. Seemingly he forgot he could just open da blinds granny not happy with him ‍♂️

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, "AGAIN??"

it's like, you know what, you're right, I'm cancelling my subscription.

Pitbull insinuating he died of alcohol poisoning from his own vodka brand and came back as a beach dog is exactly what I needed to get through this day

@pitbull Pitbull

•

Jun 10, 2018

Reincarnated through @voli305vodka with my own vodka and my own beach. Que rico! Reincarnate yourself, Dale!

i think im having a stroke

so they just have a fuckload of spiders

I had a very good convo with @jack this weekend at Kanye’s bday and I think he really heard me out on the edit button.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

My therapist asked me to identify some habitual coping mechanisms I use during depressive episodes and I had to look this woman in the eye and tell her that when I get really sad my first instinct is to make fun of Elon Musk

Jesus: h-
Pontius Pilate:

this fine ass lady was standing behind me at the atm so i took out $400 instead of $20 so tomorrow i’m putting $380 back when my bank open. smh

2016: "Come on, you're talking like Trump's going to put people in concentration camps"

2018: "First of all, I think it's offensive that you refer to them as 'concentration camps'"

It's no longer "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" it's now "it's 2018 everywhere" start drinking whatever time you want.

The Statue of Liberty should replace her torch with a gaslight until further notice

I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday

ME, AGE 20: Ha ha, I like the riffs, but these Rage Against the Machine lyrics are kind of corny.

ME, AGE 40 (at a cocktail party): You know, some of those who work forces are actually, no joke, the same who burn crosses.

dreamt I went on twitter and saw a random person post a picture of me with the caption “God just be making anybody ” and it had 200k likes

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here

2009: "As Twitter grows, it will increasingly become a place where companies build brands, do research, send information to customers, conduct e-commerce and create communities for their users." - Time

2018:

once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate

sadly it's not. they really do call the hospital for white people the mayo clinic

@PrisonPlanet Paul Joseph Watson

•

Jun 29, 2018

I really truly hope this is just a horrible joke. Sick sick stuff.

I just took a picture of my 3 year old and she said

“Send it to me”

To Where?

Her: Honey, do you think I’m a good cook?

Me: Is CHEP a Brambles company?

Why do dogs feel the need to look you in the eye while they drop a deuce like what kinda serial killer shit is that

Sorry the guy you’re sleeping with won’t call himself your boyfriend but will call himself a content creator

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it's perfect

Wondered why the car blowers didn't seem very effective then realised half of them were set to 'email' instead of 'bacon'.

Listen to how @stephenasmith pronounces the word “memes”

i love having a body because it's like one of those play doh extruders where you put salad in and get free hair out

Say this in bed if you really want to drive him WILD: "I listened to your podcast"

I didn’t realize until today that “Weird” Al was a parody of normal (“Norm” Al). I’m 31 years old.

You: *owns the libs*
Me, a MILLENNIAL: *rents the libs*

Jenny Holzer just a feminist Dril there I said it

My future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriend’s lame ass jokes rn. Be patient King, a true clown is on the way.

FRIEND: my gf has got legs for days

ME: [astonished whisper] night mermaid

The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it

Hardcore Gamers Only: ‘Overwatch’ Is Increasing Its Difficulty By Adding A Senior-Citizen Character That’s A Financial Drain And Emotional Burden On Their Whole Team clckhl.co/FO7Vuqs

FUCK.

white ppl will feel unsafe walking by a black man on the sidewalk but will literally try to talk to the devil through a ouija board

gn

WHO USED THE MONKEY PAW TO ASK FOR A PAIR OF WOMEN'S PANTS WITH POCKETS

@absrdst absrdst

•

Jul 11, 2018

They're here.. . suɐǝſ

If I shoot my shot and you tell me you have a man...Imma tell my homegirl to get in his inbox to see if he feels the same way

lmao I am absolutely dying over the fact that now that Sacha Baron Cohen can’t prank anyone with a normal brain who has watched TV in the last twenty years, he’s moved onto pranking famous Republicans, with incredible success

#TrumpBabyBlimp #dnd

The president wakes up every morning, gets dressed, looks in the mirror at his scrotum-level tie length and says, "Perfect!" That will never not bother me

it is embarrassing as fuck that russia's disinformation campaign against america is bolstered by someone who uses the name "guccifer." as in a portmanteau of "gucci" and "lucifer." this is like if jfk was assassinated by someone named "xX_bong_jamez_bong_Xx"

i was trying to remember what the site 'dropbox' was called this morning and all i could come up with for about 5 minutes was 'da share zone'

|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
RABBITS DONT HAVE
OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
I DONT CARE IF THIS
MEME IS CUTE, IT RESTS
ON AN INHERENTLY
FLAWED PREMISE.
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ 　 づ

is meatball an fruit

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" & "It's Raining Men" are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

you know what wo uld be fun, would be if twitter hq just dumped a truck full of wet turds on my front lawn every day "In case I missed it"

boys that follow me on twitter and then hook up with me despite knowing damn well that I’m gonna tweet about them are easily braver than the troops

*using Ouija board*

"hello, is there anyone there"

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

"ah damnit this is a Soulja board*

regular person: I need more damn money. This shit sucks
internet commenter: Be frugal. Cook a large pot of beans and eat that for an entire week.
rich person: I agree with the wise commenter. Also go to the doctor less please

a great many cultural misreadings of Grimes appear to stem from the presumption that she is “goth.” wise old sages such as i can assure you that it all makes more sense when you grasp that she is INDUSTRIAL, which is totally different

*tips hat at duck* mallardy

Stop getting rid of your pets because they aren’t what you expected Clifford was literally the smallest puppy and turned out to be a 30 FOOT RED DOG AND EMILY ELIZABETH STILL MADE IT WORK

Crank That Soulja Boy

my chupacabra don't
my chupacabra don't
my chupacabra don't want none unless you got goats, hon

Will i understand the DSM-V if I haven't seen the first four

me making sure the barista sees me put money in the tip jar

Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport

猫 发现负鼠在吃自己的食物

A butthole dr my sister interned for thinks anal fissures are getting more common bc because people are texting and stuff on the toilet and so trying too hard is tearing their butts. If you are suffering from posters' butthole go to the doctor but also stop tweeting on the pot

Queer Eye but it’s five Native elders trying to convince a New Age hippie spiritualist that their practice is entirely fake

the two genders

I wonder if spiders stop halfway through a web like "ugh will i ever be inspired again i'm a hack"

Guys, this is my brother's barbecue pit.

Gen Xer: I miss Crystal Pepsi, the silly clear soda

Millennial: I miss Four Loko, the drink made of devil's blood that almost killed my friend Brad

Can't drink the sarcophagus juice, can't eat the tomb cheese, what even is the point of archaeology

@abcnews ABC News

•

Aug 17, 2018

World's oldest cheese found in Egyptian tomb — but it may be filled with a deadly disease ab.co/2vRG3lH

[Plato returns from the dead]

Plato: so who's that girl, are you together?
Me: nah, it's purely platonic.
Plato: ...what does platonic mean?
Me: it means we don't have sex.
Plato: what the fuck

CAN WE GET THE SPECIAL COUNSEL TO FIGURE OUT WHY LENA DUNHAM’S PETS KEEP DYING AND WHO KEEPS GIVING HER MORE PETS

sister mary jo let me argue “i wish i was aborted so i could’ve gone straight to heaven” in a theology class debate without giving me a detention and shes had my undying respect since

RT @ellle_em: when I find myself in times of trouble
brother Mario comes to me
speaking words of wisdom "it's a me"

Wow. Scott Pruitt's outgoing calls are almost as expensive as Donald Trump's extramarital sex.

enough twitter, about to go get deadbeat dad wasted

Accidentally hit a squirrel yesterday in my car. Feel so guilty I could barely sleep. Casey Anthony is a monster.

When the design team loses a debate with the legal team.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

This truck just tried to sell me weed

update for yall who didnt think he believed me

when you do your homework and nail the interview

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

"i will face god and walk backwards into hell" is a dril quote that people keep mistaking for serious literature but "that's how it is on this bitch of an earth" is a fucking beckett line that i consistently keep thinking is dril

I have one minute of free time a day and this is how I choose to spend it

today i asked my class to come up with a pair of terms that share a denotative meaning but whose connotative meanings differ and one student offered BUTT DIAL and BOOTY CALL anyway that student's the professor now

[clumsily rollerblades in] alright this is a robbery

White people love saying “oh that was terrible” after throwing a frisbee

Words fail.

I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal

yall ever think about how your fingers are slowly 3D printing your nails

THIS SHIT MAKES ME LAUGH SO FUCKING MUCH

Today in mommy blogger instagram: Katie Bower says she didnt realize people were in the buildings and died until a year(!!!!!) after 9/11???

I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brotha to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.

So you tryna tell me Noah took too 2 bed bug, 2 mosquitos and 2 roaches and threw them in the Ark

Me: what’s the wifi password

My mom:

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

youtu.be/CG7YHFT4hjw

remember when you would go to mcdonalds and fill your cup with every flavor and that shit used to bang... someone thousands of years ago did that with spices and made curry... ugh their fucking mind, i stan

when the kool aid man says “oh yeah!”, why does the kool aid not spill out his mouth? does that mean the kool aid is not actually inside him, but contained exterior of his glass body? does that make his insides solid glass? does he hold kool aid bc he longs to drink but never can

I poured root beer into a square glass to make beer

well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions

[Dracula giving his son "the talk"]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula's son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

DAVID LETTERMAN: /rapping stack of notecards on his desk The Curvy Wife Guy. Paul, you know about the Curvy Wife Guy?
PAUL SHAFFER: Ha ha ha
LETTERMAN: The Curvy Wife Guy
/Band plays four bars of Commodores' "Brick House"

And this, despite the trolls, is why I love Twitter

my mom put turkey, chicken, and ham out to test my dog and see what he would eat. he ate everything but the ham. i’ve never been more proud.

RECALL ME BY YOUR NAME, guys, this is pathetically easy.

@IndieWire IndieWire

•

Oct 08, 2018

Luca Guadagnino wants Dakota Johnson to play Armie Hammer's wife in the #CallMeByYourName sequel, but he's struggling with a name: “The only problem is the title. It cannot be ‘Call Me by Your Name Two.’” bit.ly/2PjjJct

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

It's annoying that world is going to end RIGHT as I've become hot

it’s my house crest

IF YOU DO ENOUGH UNPAID OVERTIME YOU GET A TOMBSTONE THAT SAYS GREAT TEAM MEMBER

cells be like

o

fuck it
mitosis time

o
0
8
oo

Ain’t nothing like taking a shower with that peppermint Dr. Bronners and laying on sheets fresh out of the dryer. I be feeling like a big ass mint out my granny purse

Venmo timeline is only good when it shows you that your ex‘s new partner is cheap

cigarettes have almost no calories and are low in sodium. no one is talking about this

I wish Gritty wasn't to do with hockey, cities should just have monsters in them

When referring to the USA, I will always capitalize the word Country!

ooooh baby do you know what that’s worth
on halloween we toast the antichrists birth

I’ve to piss

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon's haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

peach (crying): i don't need you to be Super Mario. i just need you to be there for me. i just need you to be you

mario: wahoo

Canada shud be absorbed by the usa
Then we’d be bigger than Russia

how did ONE hour make it go from dark at 9pm to dark at 6pm……somebody lying

there’s so many blue check why aight people tweeting “remember politics don’t actually change your life. there’s still sunday football, potpourri, mild salsa, and your beautiful son & daughter breighaedyn & kaehayeighœtelinen” rn

I’ve honestly read this 15 times

cool that ariana grande forgives her exes. also cool that every day I relish in the memory of mine calling, furious, asking why i let him believe björk was pronounced “bork” for 2 years and that he just embarrassed himself at a party

The saddest part of medieval times is the horses think it’s all real

Someone posted this to our neighborhood message board and I will never recover.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i "Dont know" what pringles are constitutes Heroism

once a year i think about how in highschool a girl made her instagram caption the juicy j lyric: "she eat your heart out like jeffrey dahmer" and a girl commented: "my uncle was murdered by dahmer…please delete this."

Getting 4 hours of sleep vs. 8 hours

welcome to the black parade is the bohemian rhapsody of my generation

OH MY GOD

Everyone wished he'd mackle a little less, and he listened. That's crazy.

Tonight at the start of yoga a woman let the instructor know she was pregnant to which the instructor inexplicably replied “We’re all pregnant” and then another woman said “No we’re not” and then we began.

donkey kong being a villain in industrial settings and a hero in jungle settings is a perfect illustration of what the unabomber was talking about

Every day on Twitter...

God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.

Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it.

God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.

gas lowkey be smellin good i wish i was honda crv

im crying my ass off at this species of goat (gulabi) that is so beautiful and cute as a baby and then the adult is like

Regular back:
-will hurt eventually
-boring
-stupid bones

Backstreet's back:
-alright

Anything I do not want to do is emotional labor. Anything I do want to do is self care. I will not be expanding on this rn.

whales don’t need no man

One of my blinds broke in my bedroom so I just went to CVS

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Why do bash “dead-beat” dads for not being there for their kids but we never question if the child has bad vibes? Or if they’re just unpleasant to be around?

I’m not sure, but maybe we can look into establishing GrinchCon - a tea + coffee crawl where people can spread peace and quiet everywhere they go

what

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But...why?

HER: I don't know if it's your terrible puns or the fact that you don't "believe" in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

No Looney Tunes character stands the test of time better than Wile E. Coyote: a self-defeating dipshit who can't stop ordering packages from a shitty, indifferent corporation

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I'm a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you'd be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

This is your reminder that "Fight Club" is still the most important political movie about the post-Cold War world.

“are you subtweeting me?”
“i do subtweet sir”
“are you subtweeting me sir?”
(to mutual) “is the timeline discourse on my side if i say aye?”
“nay”
“no sir i do not subtweet at you but i subtweet sir!”

@tictacbergerac you got a fucking google you dumb bitch

i know the internet has fundamentally broken me cause i just laughed about this for a solid 45 seconds

♬ He's boiling an egg ♬
♬ He's boiling it twice ♬
♬ He's boiled it again ♬
♬ He's losing his mind ♬
♬ Santa Claus is repeatedly boiling an egg ♬

[at the USDA]

me: [chanting] hogs, hogs-

Iowa farmers: hogs, HOGS

USDA-NASS: [pounding keyboard] HOGS, HOGS, HOGS!

@usda_nass National Agricultural Statistics Service

•

Dec 21, 2018

#Iowa record high December #hog inventory, up 2% from previous year. #AgStats

"WELL ACTUALLY": a sequel to "LOVE ACTUALLY" about why it's problematic

The Bailey’s Irish Cream origin story is just straight up a @dril tweet

And lo, unto her did appear a host of Corbyn defenders, who did descend upon her mentions, and she was not sore afraid, because she was used to it. And the host did sing with one voice, ‘ungodly woman, thou foolest us not. We know the true reason thou despisest Saint Jeremy.’ 1

no one blocks like

elf: [squinting at christmas list] how the fuck do you make a juul

Doc martens just emo timbs

Need to “just take a quick break” from your family this holiday season? Just sit on the toilet for 7-10 minutes looking at this app and become insane by reading people’s dumb ass thoughts

I just opened up my bag of Ghost Pepper Potato Chips from Trader Joe’s and there’s a whole ass potato in the bag. I’m not kidding. An entire potato. I can’t even take the bag back cuz who the hell is gonna believe a full potato was in it. They’re just gonna say I put it in there.

A BOY NIECE

@cIownshit mika moved accs

•

Mar 02, 2017

my niece/nauce(forgot what the word for boy niece is) looks like a chihuahua lmao

asked siri what one trillion to the 10th power was

I can’t recall if it was Tumblr or Reddit, but I’ll never forget the story I read where this girl went over to a guy’s apartment for pizza, and when it was done cooking he went “I hate this part” and grabbed the pizza with his exposed hands, screaming in pain as he retrieved it.

Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it's raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Driving lessons are so weird like you climb into a metal box with a divorced man and he teaches you not to kill anyone

I Need To Shoot My Phone

Did Christ not stan the cancelled? Did he, in the darkness of Gethsemane, ask his Father to miss him with that?

Keep missing the hitbox on my evening’s singular mug of wine

This (photo) is how I spent last night.

Very nice hospital in The Hague with anaphylactic allergic reaction. All clear now.

Did I miss an Oval Office speech?

I assume no bombshelly news —like Trump campaign chair consorting with Russian intel agents— happened while I was out.

Pretty cool: A good friend is studying in Yeshiva in Israel. His rabbi told him he liked my beard, elaborating “It gives Cruz a Talmudic & Rabbinic look & presence that will put the fear of the Lord into Israel’s enemies & promote Middle East peace.” Wow. Perhaps a bit much....

I don't have time to read a "Baby on Board" bumper sticker. I am on my phone

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced after realizing that marriage counts as a union.

If there's one thing I can predict, because this is how life works now, these two stories will change places on the sfgate.com most-read list before sunup.

my apartment's pest control guy always refers to Richie (my cat) as a "fellow industry professional"

[first day as a priest]

guy: father i must confess my sins

me: what's the tea my child

You: Hurt people hurt people

Me, nodding: and sea turtles see turtles

finding out james blake is 6'5" really ruins his music boy you are a tall white man what are you even sad about

The year is 2035. Marie Kondo holds up the condemned man to the crowd. “Does this man spark joy?” The crowd jeers, “No he does not!” She nods silently and throws him into the pit.

Looks like the 2016 election

@pollynor POLLY NOR

•

Nov 29, 2018

You don't know him like i do

Hitting the weed pen in the club

almost at that point in the day where that girl that carries around the ar-15 everywhere weights in on the Gillette ad by shaving her gun or something

If I owe you an email, please find some comfort in the fact that my every waking hour is haunted by my debt to you

Because I only ever use one emoji, my phone has stored only one emoji as a person of color, and thus I have unintentionally created this work of art I call “Diversity Meeting”.

dudes w floor mattresses consistently lay pipe but yall aren’t ready for that conversation

yeah, sure, i like sorkin. sorkin my own dick

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

The Sears pension plan is responsible for 90,000 people and underfunded by at least $1.4 billion.

The government is going to have to bail them out now.

It is irresponsible for these poorly performing pensions to not have exposure to Bitcoin.

Call yours and demand it!

Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

I wonder if when you walk into a celebrity's house, there's a wall full of photos of them standing with various pizzeria owners

some earrings i ordered on aliexpress never arrived and they asked for photo evidence???

CAPTION OF THE YEAR:

Who hasn't been in a Starbucks bathroom and thought, "the guy in charge of this should be in charge of everything."

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

i don’t trust anyone who self-describes as “open minded”, either you want to start a fight about religion or you’re going to try to swing a threesome. please don’t make me guess

Mercutio, dying, yelling at both Tybalt and Romeo: Both your houses are fucking canceled

*rammstein guy asking his wife what she wants for breakfast*
do
do hash
do hash browns
do hash browns sound good
do hash browns sound good

Don’t make me get my leash

it was unfamiliar when a few people started using it, but over time it became a more recognized and more accepted part of the discourse, somehow

Welcome to Twitter ladies. A married man, who mainly follows, and interacts with only women, will be assigned to you shortly

At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job

At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter

Morgan Freeman landed his first major movie role at age 52

They all had time

Because climate change wasn't as pressing an issue for their generation

You? Probably no time.

so I asked my mom why is she still talking to my old boo and she asked me “why are you still talking to my ex husband?”. Ma’am.. that is my father

Brrr! Tourists wear funny animal-like hats to withstand the cold in Harbin, Northeast China's #Heilongjiang province, on Feb 12, when temperatures fell as low as -22C

Pyramid scheme influencers be like:

Gentle reminder to all the Bernie bros to practice self-care. Arguing with centrist women online is emotional labor

this is one of my favorite posts of all time

[inventing balloons] I need one more thing that wants to leave me

Shut up or Britain will vote for it

This looks like a scientist explaining to his clones what went wrong

My therapist: <laughs at a joke I said>

Me (to myself): This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

Please. That’s my father’s name. You can call me Jimmy Eat World

Tonight I defined portmanteau for my children with the sentence "I sharted in my jorts" in case anyone ever tries to tell you being an English major doesn't pay off

My team surprised me with a cake made out of my favorite snack—twinkies! Looking forward to all this year has in store.

Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

No one talks about the correlation of pop punk songs disparaging the suburbs and the modern gentrification of urban centers

yes i am a "HO"

Honorable
online

@yashar This is for a bed and breakfast

Beto O’Rourke, photographed by Annie-morph Leibovitz.

i .............................. nytimes.com/2019/03/14/sty…

A brief survey of my own text messages is making me wonder if I'm gonna talk like this forever. Like am I going to be 90 years old schlepping my walker around the nursing home & poking my head into friends rooms like "hello my good bitch, the edible you gave me was tight"

No one:

Your mom: your dad was in the hospital last week but he’s fine now

ME: [never once in the 14 years of YouTube's existence watching a video about how Islam is taking over the West]

YOUTUBE: you know what I think you'd like

╭━━━━━━━━━━━━╮
┃ CO — STAR ┃
┃ ┃
┃I see you’ve got ur clown ┃
┃suit on like you always do ┃
╰━━━━━━━━━━━━╯

elizabeth holmes had split ends and didn't fill in her brows of course she was lying. next question

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

To see if you had scoliosis???

just found out about Object Permanence... why didnt any one tell me about this shit

Guy with the megaphone: No justice!

Crowd: No peace!

Guy with megaphone: You were at my wedding!

Crowd (louder this time): Denise!

DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub" ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.

I made a Venn diagram

The only thing standing between me and the White House is popularity.

ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you: twitter

[man gets down on one knee] this is actually more of a comment than a question

tibetan foxes have the exact energy of when you go into arby's stoned and ask about their 5 for $5 promotion, which has been gone for longer than anyone has worked there. the tibetan sand fox's face is the face the cashier makes at you, and the face you make at the cashier

I made this thinking it would be funny but now I'm on the verge of a panic attack

CHOTINER: So how many tacos did you eat?
ME: About four, I think.
CHOTINER: Ok. On Instagram--
ME: Or six, maybe.
CHOTINER: Yeah. Do you think some people might call that a lot?
ME: Well, that's why I got the small chips.
CHOTINER: Right. It's about discipline.
ME: Exactly.

damn they finally got rid of morrissey

@coachella Coachella

•

Apr 13, 2019

The Smiths

Lol that’s funny dude. Reminds me of something one of my mentally ill twitter friends said several months ago.. hang on just give me 45 minutes to find it so I can read it out loud for you,

what is this, robin thicke? because of all the blurred lines!

please nobody show radiohead this

White man: you can’t sit here!

Rosa parks: why not?

White man: because you already have a place......in my heart.

*ancestry dot com logo with a soft fade out*

for all they gassed it up in school the whole checks and balances system is a wild flop

@maggieNYT Hey. I just want to say, I’m Chris Barron, the guy from the Spin Doctors. @ChrisRBarron is not me and I don’t share his political views.

hey there delilah are you mad at me

alone and my thoughts...

Oh, you're experiencing a structural problem? Have you ever considered trying different personal choices instead?

I’m deleting this tweet because the wave of vitriol it sparked is wild but want to transparent about it, so here’s a screenshot for posterity. My main point was that I made sacrifices to be tilted like a pig and that it is 100% possible if you make some compromises

i hate to be that guy, but if i was a baseball player i could definitely escape. especially if i was an outfielder. just wait for a grounder and hop the fence when no one’s looking. i’d be miles away before anyone noticed

One time my dad saw a car for sale on a guy’s lawn in Wisconsin and thought it was a car that could transition into being a boat (???) so he told the guy he’d love to “buy this thing and drive it straight into the lake” which must’ve seemed like a massive power move at the time

Today someone sent me hate email in all caps so I told him that I had a disorder where I couldn't read capital letters and he retyped the whole thing in lowercase.

i know this hasn't been a topic of conversation since 2004 but can we take a moment to acknowledge the official release of paris hilton's sex tape opens with a dedication to 9/11

it’s so weird to think how LMFAO was just a dude and his uncle

imagine chillin and ur uncle pulls up in those pants like bro let’s do this

Jim Carrey Robotnik looks like he and his wife trawl Tinder in search of "a third troubador to join us for schnapps and decadence in our Steampunk Boudoir"

wife: this might be racist-

me:

wife: against italians but-

me:

Detective Pikachu and Sonic are the start of the super smash brothers cinematic universe

do not associate me with the sonic the hedgehog movie if you dont want your shins to be deleted

This is it, my Nextdoor magnum opus...

This typo is about to finish me off for good

I cant sleep gotta get 2 walmart

Damn imagine you found the love of your life...then you see her tweeting about not washing her legs

Dumplings imply the existence of a large dumple

i don't think the british monarchy can survive the fact that it's gonna have kings for a while. modern people can handle a quaint old lady as a beloved figurehead, but middle-aged bald guys who think they're hereditarily better than you? unsustainable

just invented the sequel to the game ‘fuck marry kill’ it’s called ‘stan cancel mute’

ppl get drunk on their birthday to distract from the fact that’s it’s also your annual performance review with the universe

judas:

I’ve never seen something more human from a robot than this.

trust me it doesn’t work

@JoeMyGod JoeMyGod

•

Jun 07, 2019

NEW JERSEY: Presbyterian Minister Accused Of Using Oral Sex To Suck Out Men's Evil During Ritual Exorcisms - joemygod.com/2019/06/new-je…

Apparently the moon is slowly backing away from the earth (at a rate of like 2 inches per year) and honestly there’s no loyalty in this solar system. You’re nothing without us you cratered bitch

[middle english period group chat]

feudalismluvr: havin roast beef w/gravé tonite
groats4days: lol gravé
saxon_69: gravé
domesday_bloke: gravé
yas_faerie_kween: gravé

[le_borte_d'arthur has changed the group name to "gravé"]

@HaggardHawks Haggard Hawks Words | Language | Etymology

•

Jun 16, 2019

GRAVY is thought to derive from and Old French word, ‘grané’, that likely meant ‘seasoned’ or “well flavoured’. The N in ‘grané’ was likely misread for a U or a V in the Middle English period, and the mistake has remained in place ever since.

a lot of writers on here like to complain about how hard writing is but personally i just open up the dirty window and let the sun illuminate the words that i cannot find

whenever i see any of u flirting publicly on twitter dot com this is how i feel

When hot mean girls become public leftists

Saying Louis CK got a standing ovation without revealing the venue didn’t have chairs is some PT Barnum level marketing.

I must not reply. Replying is the mind-killer. Replying is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face the bad tweet. I will permit the bad tweet to pass over me and through me.

me: did you steal my thesaurus

horse: nope

rip to ur grandma but i’m different

Every boyfriend I’ve ever had

@DailyBUCKS BUCKINGHAMSHIRE

•

Jul 01, 2019

'Exotic' bird turns out to be a gull covered in curry or turmeric j.mp/2Xlfoxt

Aw shit...I just realized that the U.S. is to the world what Boston is to the U.S.

I just feel like there’s another way

I’m advising commuters not to use the street elevator at Pentagon Metro this morning. #wmata

Excuse me @Delta but this is outrageous. I just got sucked through the toilet hole in one of your aircrafts and am now hurtling through the sky, can I get my money back? This never happens on Southwest.

tired of these mfs

oh fuck yeah I’m WOKE

W- white guy
O- overestimating my
K- knowledge on
E- extremely complex issues

Kids be like “Watch this” then do a jump and spin wasting my fucking time

bro we’re in out late 20s we aren’t “socially awkward” we are fucking losers

tarzan's last thought as he plummets to the jungle floor

[first day at Domino's]

Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas

Me: haha

Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them

Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude

Me: I'm n-

Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?

Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

The Sopranos should be called Jersey Boys and Jersey Boys should be called The Sopranos

MY MAN: (comes home)
ME: (nervous) how was the store
MY MAN: fine
ME: oh thank g —
MY MAN: ran into jolene
ME: oh no
MY MAN: she mentioned you left kind of an intense voicemail

I think all student loans should be forgiven but each person's forgiveness ceremony should be extremely long and insanely Catholic

@JasonIsbell Legit question for rural Americans - How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?

because maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my feral hog

calling them feral hogs is a good start but we’re not going to get anywhere if they still get qualified immunity

to me the most cursed “tik tok” is the passage of time itself

The Beatles didn’t make good music they just happened to exist in the first decade that women were allowed to be horny

“I shook Robert Kennedy’s hand in 1968,” a woman tells Pete Buttigieg. “So you’re good luck?” he asks. “Not really— he was shot a month later,” she tells him.

millennials trying to fit in while talking to boomers and gen x about a potential recession: yeah totally it'd be a huge bummer if all my .....assets..... lost.... value

i really hope we never have flying cars. imagine walking home after a bad day and a kia soul flies over u blasting party rock anthem

this the toilet taint

Jeremy renner is like if a normal guy who works at Dicks sporting goods was granted many wishes by god

if your boyfriend has an android.. ur single to me tf is he gonna do?? tell me to (1/2) fuck (2/2) off ???

every time I start my period early and am wondering why I wake up the next morning and see that franzen’s been at it again

I thought my GrubHub driver died for a second

Left this up for my roommates but if anyone needs to quote tweet it and say “same” to go viral, I understand

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

No shit Sherlock

who is the share to facebook button on pornhub really helping

German snakes be like hißß

@bijanstephen I checked Genius and this exchange killed me

this.... this explains so much

i refuse to ever teach my daughters the archaic concept of “losing one’s virginity” as if some baby-dicked boy who drives a Honda Civic is really taking something special from you lmaaaoo grow up and overthrow the government

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought "Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard" meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

RT @theblatt: It’s been 243 years since 1776. Who would have thought that the UK would end up with a functioning Supreme Court and the US w…

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

fourth law of robotics is ya gotta make it so the eyes go red when they turn evil

Drop a pin so I can fade you

@RudyGiuliani Rudy W. Giuliani

•

Oct 05, 2019

American League Solidarity

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

[Cher "Believe" voice] Can you retweet and like all my posts

not trying to start a feud or anything but I’m a little annoyed @HBO & Nicholas Britell asked Pusha T to write lyrics to the Succession theme, since they asked me to first and turned my version down youtu.be/e-6K2CjJ6dk

really fucked up that you have to start every letter with "Dear" like youre trying to get the dept of weights and measures or whoever horny

Twitter has ruined everything. I can’t stop wondering if these people washed their legs before smashing grapes.

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

keeping track of things with the following rhyme:

if the Naomi be Klein
you’re doing just fine
If the Naomi be Wolf
Oh, buddy. Ooooof.

that’s wild asf how animals just eat meat with no honey mustard, bbq sauce or nothing.

YALL REALLY INSTALL A MICROPHONE THAT LISTENS TO U SLEEP JUST SO U CAN PRETEND TO BE A STAR TREK WITH A ROBOT ASSISTANT? WHAT IMPORTANT INSTRUCTIONS U GOT FOR IT ANYWAY? "ALEXA, REMIND ME NOT TO COOK & EAT MY KIDS"

Me: So Nephew Kyle is Bill Simmons’ real nephew, but Cousin Sal is not his cousin. Rather, he’s Jimmy Kimmel’s cousin. Simmons was on the writing staff toward the beginning of Kimmel’s show

MacArthur Genius Grant Committee Chair: *typing furiously* Hold on you’re going too fast

Follow up: I asked him his name and he said Irving. I told him my name is Tony, to which he replied sarcastically “like Tony Hawk haha”
and then he left.

When I'm bored I go around putting
these stickers on paper towel
dispensers

Twitter

from
TWITTER

When I don’t know if someone is a lady or man I just call them fam .. ‍♂️ ‍♂️ i ain’t sure if that’s appropriate but that’s the best I can think of ..

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

guillotine:
-gory
-hard to clean
-gets out of hand

wicker man:
-family friendly
-songs
-grows the seed and blows the mead and springs the wood anew

I want to chat briefly about this text that I received from a friend last week:

Memo to the file: my google search history shows I searched "Trump nude photos" because I was trying to figure out what the hell Nunes keeps talking about, not because I actually, you know.....[shudder].

me: face down, ass up

funeral director: absolutely not

woman on the verge of a breakthrough (pixels, 2019)

It’s me, Amanda Palmer. Please behold my ten-part play about a trio of French mimes having a mournful orgy inside a rusty harmonium. If you do not cover this you’re an enemy of women

You know this all ends with Quillette launching a “punk cabaret” vertical

A+ correction

one time someone said pavlov probably thought about feeding his dogs every time he heard someone ring a bell and i haven’t been the same since

Kiefer Police Chief Johnny O’Mara says one of his officers picked up five cups of coffee today at the Glenpool @Starbucks for his dispatchers, as a thank you for working on Thanksgiving.

“PIG” was printed on all five labels, he says. @NewsOn6

remembering that time the New York DMV put a random 40-year-old Dominican man on my official driver's license and when I complained they said well is this not you

i hate when people pray over my food. don’t you know it taste better if it got a dash of devil in it?

Epstein (in Hell): I guess i'm thankful for the people stood by me,
xxxtentacion: bro pass the stuffing
nancy reagan: mr xxxtentacion, would you like . to suck cranberry sauce from my tits

"i wish trader joes was on instacart!" -me living out my little pretend life as my phone sells my medical history to Chevron

how did the grape afford surgery

Friend took me for coffee, to talk.

Him: Wife and I are having a baby. Your kids seem cool. Parenting--how do you do it? Any tips?

Me: Whenever you see a stack of free paper napkins take a big handful.

Him:

Me:

Him: That's it?

Me: It is the only thing I am sure of.

no cop has ever told me “be safe” .. my weed man say it every time i leave his place .. says a lot about society